How to never have another argument

Imagine never again getting upset when someone disagrees with you, tells you you’re wrong, or contradicts you. Imagine enjoying and growing from this experience.

Is it possible?

Yes. All you have to do is follow the guidelines and practice the exercise below.

Before we get started though, let me clear something up. Not arguing doesn’t mean being weak or accepting whatever anyone else says. Not arguing doesn’t mean being pushed around, giving in or admitting you’re wrong. Not arguing is not a weakness, it is a strength. Arguing is the weakness that must be overcome, as you will learn below.

First let’s look at what an argument is. In its simplest form an argument is two opposing viewpoints. Person A with viewpoint A vs.Person B with viewpoint B.

A viewpoint is an important concept to understand in personal relationships. A viewpoint is simply a point from which something is viewed . It can be physical or non-physical.

Physical Viewpoints

For an example of a physical viewpoint we’ll use the table you are sitting at. There are a multitude of possible physical viewpoints or positions from which to view the same table. A few of these viewpoints are 1. Where are sitting now, 2. Underneath the table, 3 Outer space.

Obviously the same table appears very differently to an observer in each of these different viewpoints. The table hasn’t changed, but the way it looks to the observer has changed. The point here is that your viewpoint determines how you perceive something and determines what that object means to you.

Non-Physical Viewpoints

Let’s now take the same principles and apply them to non-physical viewpoints. Again we will take the table as our guinea pig. A few different non-physical viewpoints on the table might be 1. Carpenter, 2. Businessman, 3. Beaver. These are mental or personality based viewpoints, or ways of relating to the table. The carpenter would view the table by evaluating the type of wood it was made of and the quality of the craftsmanship; the businessman would probably be considering how much he could buy or sell it for. The beaver is probably thinking about lunch.

As you can see, there are an endless number of potential viewpoints, both physical and non-physical. So what has this got to do with an argument?

An argument is Person A with viewpoint A trying to convince Person B with viewpoint B that viewpoint B is wrong and viewpoint A is right. An argument is someone with the ‘right’ viewpoint trying to convince the other person that their viewpoint is ‘wrong’. The problem is, as you saw in the examples above, there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ viewpoints. The Carpenter’s viewpoint is not intrinsically better or worse than the Businessman’s or Beaver’s viewpoint. They’re just viewpoints. Example: You’re driving at a perfectly reasonable speed and your partner says “You drive too fast!” You know you’re not driving too fast! You let your partner know they got it all wrong and hey presto, you have an argument. Simple isn’t it?

Now let’s look at how to not have the argument by looking at an example. Your partner gives you their viewpoint “You drive too fast!”. Instead of trying to crush their viewpoint with yours, try this:- change your viewpoint momentarily and take their viewpoint. See if you can view the situation from their position. If you have trouble doing this, you can ask them to elaborate on their viewpoint. The simplest way to do this is to ask them. You could say something like “What do you mean?” or “How is it I am driving too fast? How fast is just right?” When you can see it totally from their viewpoint you will see they are right. You are driving too fast (from their viewpoint). From your viewpoint you aren’t driving too fast, but so what. They have a different viewpoint to you. Be grateful for that. If we all had the same viewpoints on everything can you imagine how boring life would be. Variety is the spice of life, enjoy their viewpoint as another way to see the world around you.

You might find yourself wanting to prove you are right. You aren’t driving too fast! Remember there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, just viewpoints. Which viewpoint is right? None of them are right, they just are. Thank your partner for sharing their viewpoint and make your own decision whether to slow down or not.

You can use this approach in any situation where you encounter opposition or are tempted to show someone how wrong they are. It may seem difficult at times to not force your viewpoint on someone who is ‘wrong’. If you feel you just have to set them right or you’ll get trampled on, consider this:

Your attachment to your viewpoint is a weakness, not a strength.

Perhaps the reason you hold on so tightly to your precious viewpoint is because it is the only one you have. If they take it from you, you feel you will have no position to take, you will be destroyed, unable to partake in the game. But if you could take many viewpoints you would not feel so attached to any one viewpoint. You will be able to see the situation from many different viewpoints and be able to chose the viewpoint that will be most beneficial to you. Highly successful people are able to take on multiple viewpoints. Bill Gates understands the personal computer consumer incredibly well, he can take their viewpoint and that is why he is able to deliver a product they want.

Many of us are so battered and bruised from our upbringing and modern life, that we feel we are fighting for our very existence. We hold on to our viewpoints with all our might. We see them as defining anchor points of our personality and our own universes. We feel that without them we would cease to exist as the person we are.

The truth is the more viewpoints you can take, the bigger and stronger you become. You are also less likely to be dominated or controlled because you aren’t pushing against the other viewpoints. If you don’t push against it, it can’t push against you. As the saying goes “What you resist persists”. When you resist seeing another’s viewpoint, it persists. It keeps pushing against you. But when you are able to take that viewpoint and add it to your collection, you are no longer pushed around or controlled by it.

No Arguments Exercise

Here is an exercise to help you develop the ability to take different attitudes .

1. Look around and find an object or person.

2. List all the viewpoints someone might take on this person or object.

3. For each viewpoint, ask:

“How is this viewpoint ‘right’?”

“How is this viewpoint ‘wrong’?”

Practice this exercise until you can take any viewpoint on any subject, and you are able to avoid getting sucked into meaningless arguments.

If you feel I am wrong about all this viewpoint and arguments stuff, feel free to comment on this article and let me know!